Your PA Calls Will Be Graded
By Dwip March 2, 2006, 7:20 pm Comments (4) RSS Feed for this post

With a nod to John Scalzi for having a good title to steal, I will now entertain you with how we entertain ourselves at work.

But first, since I need to vent, let’s describe the end of today.

So, imagine you have 3 sets of doors, A, B, and C. They are all the exact same, except door B is 1/8″ wider than door A, and C is 1/8″ taller than door A. Given parts to these sets of doors, which turn out not to have been sorted correctly together, make the doors.

Yeah, not so easy. Why it was so hard to make them all the same size is beyond me.

Now, to add to that, we have this machine, and it’s my favorite machine in the whole shop, that does the routing work on the panel edges, and can even follow curves and do those, too. However, the person catching panels out the other end of this machine needs to check and make sure that the panels will fit into the slots made for them in the stiles and rails, or else things get no so good.

Well, nobody bothered to do this part so much for our end of the day 70 door unit, so things got not so good. Combined with the whole “Engineers need to be fucking shot” thing, things got even notter so gooder. Or something.

This ended up with parts of doors strewn across 2 tables and a cart, random panels everywhere that look ALL THE SAME, people sanding other panels by hand, and it just wasn’t cool for about half an hour. Not cool at all.

So remember. Check your goddamn panels when they exit the machine, and for the love of Christ, engineers, use your 5 year-old child advisor for once, ok?

Now on to the entertaining part.

PA System: mumble static mumble, 8344, mumble.

Karen: Our PA sounds like it’s from the 70s.

Me: It probably is.

So, through vast amounts of scientific research, we have determined the following base PA call voices:

1. Perfectly, utterly clear, no issues understanding – By far the most rare. Mostly males with loud voices, for some reason.

2. The “Bob *static* please *static* *static*, thank you” call – Common, and random, given the age of our ass PA system.

3. The “*LOUD SQUEAL* please dial *LOUD SQUEAL*” call – Common, and somewhat random. Also known as the “Fix your phone!” call.

4. The “Bob Smith! please! dial! 8344! (because we’re being attacked by Godzilla/squirrel aliens/terrorists/Nazis/Napoleon/small dogs)” call – wherein the caller, usually female for some reason, sounds not unlike the panicked soldier one often hears on the radio in war movies, thus leading the uninvolved listener to wonder what could POSSIBLY be so urgent.

Actually, scratch Napoleon. Even secretaries could fight off Napoleon.

5. The “Mumble mumble, mumble 8344 mumble” call – Affects everyone, and has a lot to do with people needing to learn to SHOUT INTO THE PHONE, BECAUSE WE’RE ALL WEARING EARPLUGS AND WORKING IN A FREAKING SHOP WITH POWER TOOLS.

Sometimes, you get combinations, which can be especially fun when they turn out like “*static* Bob Smith! *static* 8344! *static* (because we’re being attacked by VC/mice/vampires/Napoleon/squirrel aliens, we need backup and air support, pronto!).

Well, even secretaries can take Napoleon without air support, but you get the idea.

Yes, you can have HOURS of fun with this sort of thing. HOURS.

Country Coach, Humor Comments (4) RSS Feed for this post
Comments on Your PA Calls Will Be Graded
avatar Comment by Whir #1
March 4, 2006 at 10:53 pm

Good Napolean digs, those.

avatar Comment by jarrhead #2
March 6, 2006 at 3:47 pm

What is so wrong with Napoleon Dwip? Remember friday 6 ish. Salem. Pizza.

avatar Comment by Dwip #3
March 6, 2006 at 8:58 pm

Friday. 6ish. Salem. Pizza.

As to Napoleon, well, remind me to introduce you to Marechal sometime. Or he can do it himself, since he reads this blog.

Remember, kids. In that epic battle between civilization and savagery, initial victory goes to the side that hides in the woods. However, Mr. Smallpox is not your friend.

avatar Comment by Dwip #4
March 6, 2006 at 8:58 pm

Oh, yeah. And…

*bangs spear*

Pizza pizza!